April 2013. Three weeks before my 43rd birthday and it was time to take a pregnancy test to see if my 4th IUI cycle had been successful. Even though I had no pregnancy symptoms, I’d had an innate knowing that this would be the cycle where I’d actually get my take home baby.
But an innate sense of knowing isn’t the same as hard-core proof, evidenced by two lines on a pee stick.
I sat on the toilet. I peed on the stick. Five minutes later, the hard-core evidence appeared.
Two solid lines.
The following December, my son was born.
Like most people, I began my fertility journey with unfettered optimism, convinced despite my advanced age that I’d be pregnant and on my way to motherhood in a
few short months. Instead I had a miscarriage, followed by another miscarriage 5 months later. When I had an IUI cycle cancelled, I knew I had to approach my journey differently.
Up to that point, my thinking had been, try every month and pray desperately that it would work. It wasn’t a place of tremendous confidence.
I shifted my focus to my mindset because that had been the one aspect I’d neglected.
I’d already taken steps to cultivate a healthier lifestyle. I discovered that there are many meditations for calming the mind and visualizing our dreams – there are even meditations that are specific to fertility.
However, I knew that those resources weren’t the right ones for me to really go within and develop more confidence in my journey. I needed something more unique to me. I decided to create my own meditation, using my own story as its base.
And that is exactly what I did. During my final, successful, IUI cycle, I wrote and recorded a meditation in real-time, incorporating information from my doctors’ appointments.
I felt like I was writing the story of my child’s conception.
While the meditation helped me gain confidence in possibilities, its power was that it was rooted in reality and fact.
Part meditation, part intention setting, part creative visualization — this recording, and the process to create it, transformed my mindset from a place of desperation to one of confidence, trust and knowing.
[originally appeared in My Fertility Specialist magazine, November/December 2016. Special Issue for UK Infertility Awareness Week]